We don't know much about the woman who owned the house before us. She worked for the EPA, got transferred to go work on September 11 stuff, and had a dog named Gracie. I bet she was probably nice, but maybe a little reserved and not really interested in being BFFs with the neighborhood.
You can tell they hated her for it.
But before her, there was "Don and Meredith." And oh man, do they still talk about Don and Meredith.
"Don and Meredith lived in that house for 20 years."
"I was great friends with Meredith."
"Don was quite a handyman."
"Don had that tree checked by an arborist too!"
"Don would weed the lawn inch by inch with his bare hands."
"Meredith was perfect."
"Once, a squirrel was choking on a nut and Don performed squirrel CPR with one nostril and two fingers."
"Meredith single-handedly delivered 2 of my children while baking a chocolate souffle, which we later enjoyed with my placenta."
Seriously, I have no idea what kind of spell these people cast over our neighbors, but regardless we're completely screwed. We were already at a marked disadvantage what with all the drunken yelling, lack of blinds/lack of modesty, the fact that R's Georgia flag currently hangs from the plantation shutters in the front room because I don't know what else to do with it, etc. But these people (who, by the way, I'm convinced are responsible for the heinous makeshift shelving everywhere. Guess you weren't that much of a handyman, DON) set the bar so astronomically high that we might as well stop cutting the front lawn, put the Tahoe up on bricks out there, and roast a pig inside of its bed because if you can't ever live up to Don and Meredith, you might as well terrify the neighbors.
So this is my personal salute to you, Don and Meredith. Thank you. Thank you for sucking.
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4 comments:
I know what you mean about neighbors...we only have ~10 houses so far in my development (and almost half unoccupied) but I had the worst flower beds on my block until last weekend. I finally took control of the situation and paid someone else to make my flower beds pretty last weekend.
I probably work longer hours than the rest of my neighbors and I travel every month so it's not like I have time to deal with details, but at least now I can compete.
I already had a phonecall at work on Monday from a neighbor who saw my new flower beds (and I live on a dead end). Funny how everyone noticed that my weeds were longer than my crape myrtles...
more beef jerky posts plz.
brilliant writing - you are hysterical.
This is great info to know.
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