Private Quarters

The Atlanta newspaper puts out a feature called "Private Quarters" every week or so. The idea seems to be to pick the most boring couple / crazy eccentric divorcee / minimalist or flamboyant gay man/partnership possible and showcase their/her/his home in the suburbs /Buckhead / Inman Park or midtown through a series of pictures with obnoxious captions. E.g. the caption will say something like, "Didi Von Reinholdt bought this 7000 sq. ft Georgian mansion on a whim. She dove right into renovating the outdated living space, while retaining the avant-garde ceiling adornments to which she was first drawn. She often wonders how the keeping room off the kitchen was utilized in the 1930s." (I totally just made her up, so don't bother googling) Because I'm an asshole, I immediately make up what the caption should actually say: e.g. "Didi Von Reinholdt bought 6000 sq. ft more space than she needed out of spite, after her textile heir husband left her for a 25 yr old "fashion designer," named Kim. She tore down what she could reach with a sledgehammer until she received the proceeds of the divorce settlement and then began filling her "living space" with expensive crap in a futile attempt to fill the emotional void in her life. She still has no idea what the f' to do with that keeping room off the kitchen. She often wonders if things would have turned out differently if she hadn't been such a bitch during that trip to St. Bart's."

Mostly, these people set themselves up for it, so really, I don't feel that bad.

For your amusement, some of the more ridiculous recent examples (I tried to pull the pics, but the AJC is being a whore, but it's not like it really matters because all of these houses are about 87% the same no matter who owns them) --

http://lpe.ajc.com/gallery/view/business/private/0507/rose (Picture 13)
Actual caption: This cozy nook upstairs provides a comfortable play space for Chance and Macy.
Caption should be: This cozy nook upstairs provides a comfortable play space for a future Duke lacrosse player and Hayden Paniettiere's personal assistant circa 2028.

http://lpe.ajc.com/gallery/view/business/private/0607/dresher (Picture 2)
Actual caption: Beth and Don Dresher perch among the contemporary grace of their new living room, which combines traditional elements with more modern flourishes.
Caption should be: The Dresher's yellow lab, Lillie, gazes longingly out the couple's high rise windows, remembering the shaded green lawn she used to call home before Beth and Don embarked on a desperate search for their lost youth and "hipness."

http://lpe.ajc.com/gallery/view/business/private/0607/holzemers (All)
Actual caption: The developer of Centennial Park North built carefully around a number of stately live oaks like this one outside John and Lisa Holzemer's townhouse, giving the neighborhood its established feel.
Caption should be: The couple scoured high-end furniture stores around Atlanta to find the most characterless pieces ever manufactured for their home. During this interview, John admitted he was "3 whiskey sours and a bottle of Xanax" away from being free of this banal existence.

Link of the day: If you read the Babysitter's Club, you're pretty much going to shit yourself, as this site dissects Claudia's outfits in various books: http://www.whatclaudiawore.blogspot.com/